In The Matter Of Derrick Jaxn

These are my first and final thoughts on this Jaxn Dilemma. Follow your girl on TikTok (@whatjayesaid).

Thank you to Rebecca Quarles for this meme. The internet is undefeated!

I stumbled on Derrick Jaxn in the rabbit hole that is YouTube. I like how personable he was, and the fact that I thought he was handsome surely helped. I liked his approach to relationships, his advice made sense, and I even used it from time to time! I mean, I was solidly, #TeamJaxn. I followed him on social media (Twitter, YouTube) and even used his advice from time to time! I mean, I even shared his advice to some people (i.e. women) I knew!

Then, I started looking a little closer.

There was a live that I saw with him on it (it might have been on YouTube), at least two to three years ago, and he mentioned a baby. A new baby. When I heard that, I turned the live off. I had this question: “If you have all this wit, wisdom and knowledge, how do you have a Baby Mama and not a wife, sir?!” It was from there, that I quit listening to him. I want all of us as Black folk to win, and I left all that where it is.

And from there? Life is on fire this week! On fire! Completely!

Turns out Mr. Jaxn has been cheating on this woman, his wife, who is the mother of his daughter–the Baby Mama!–for a minute! Like?! What part of the game is this? According to the Facebook Live event they did as a couple earlier this week (which his wife, Da’Naia, said was her idea!) left me staring! And I mean, staring!

Chile, there is no way I would have come on camera about this. No God.

With the interest of full transparency, I have been the woman that has been cheated on. I have also been the wife that cheated. I own both of those identities! I can tell you that there is no greater pain than realizing the person you are building your life with has cheated on you–emotionally or physically. Also, there is nothing like believing the person that you re building your life with cannot be what you need–neither can they meet (or see) those needs you have expressed!

It hurts either way.

Yet, the thing that I find more glaring comes from this deep sense of a boundary being violated! According to his wife, DaNaia, said she had dealt with this a year before! A year! She went on to say that she left him–took the baby and bounced! Da’Naia said she told her husband, Social Media Sociologist and Relationship Guru, Derrick Jaxn that she wouldn’t come back to him until he decided what it was he wanted! Now, I can commend this! No one needs to be in any situation where they are hurt, exploited or abused. No one! Derrick and Da’Naia have said they have worked through these issues of cheating–which only came to light after one of the women that Derrick was involved with came forward. Why she chose to do this? Who can say.

But there was something in me that was so angry watching this Facebook Live event. Da’Naia is a woman that has leaned on her faith to get through this–and I commend her. I have done the same thing in times of extreme distress! But, as a woman that has been through more than a few mishaps, and situationships–I know hurt when I see it! With her dealing with this situation with her husband, the father of her child before, I cannot imagine what it took for her to sit on camera to be aired out again!

It could not be me! I cannot be me! I would have put out a statement and have that be it. With all the money and clout that her husband has, you couldn’t find someone to write a statement and just keep it moving? It is so hard for me to believe that she volunteered to do this Live, or that it was her idea! Especially, after this was posted on her own Instagram:

I’ll spare you the rest of the sorted details (and I apologize for the quality screenshot), but this here? This is what made me think that there is more here than either of them are saying! In this post, Da’Naia, says that she studied the flicks that Derrick made of these women on his phone! She studied the women’s bodies, down to the ‘secretions’! I’m sorry, what?! Sis–no! This is not God’s best for you! No! Even to find out that they have been on and off for twelve years before they got married?! Sis! What is this about!

Luvvie Ajayi Jones said that this is the problem with the church–it weaponizes the gospel! This is horrendous! As a woman of faith, I am appalled, confused and sad. The same gospel that freed me and strengthened me–looks to be the same gospel being used to imprison her! Women are always expected to stay by husbands whom have done horrible things! Yet, you don’t see many men that do the same for their wives as publicly! I understand that love covers a multitude of sins–I get that, and am grateful for it. However, when is enough enough? When do we make the differentiation between gospel and gaslighting?

Derrick cheated on his wife, Da’Naia.

Da’Naia forgave her husband, Derrick, that cheated on her.

Who are we to judge that? What I will say is, people will only do what they are allowed to do. I cannot imagine what it is to be aired out twice like this! In front of the world! Again! Derrick and Da’Naia also have books they are selling–about relationships as well. How convenient? I cannot imagine what she is going through, because this does not seem to be over soon. Even now there are still women coming forward–with screenshots! Chile…how long Da’Naia? How long? God has more for you than to be this embarrassed…on a regular basis.

If they can really come back from infidelity (not everyone can!), I wish them God’s best. If they cannot, if it becomes too much, then she knows what she needs to do next. God indeed be her strength.

Thirty Days of Fire: Day 1 (Five Problems With Social Media)

 

As a writer, and a generally nosy person, I love social media! I can share info. I can announce new projects, and post new work. As great as social media is, it has it’s drawbacks. Here are some:

 

1. Exposure culture. As a writer, one of your jobs, your abilities even, is to people watch. As a woman, I am learning what it’s like to ‘hold something to yourself.’ This means not everyone needs to know your business–and not everyone needs to know the business you know. I cannot stand exposure culture. Some things are better left handled off screens, and face to face. Or not mentioned. There is a reason therapists and journals exist. You don’t have to put everyone on blast. You really don’t. Class is still an option.

 

2. Feeling as if you’re missing something. I often take breaks from social media. Sometimes the noise from all the people that I follow gets to be too much (see problem 1). And I step away for as much as 90 days. But I ‘peek in’ every so often to see what’s going on. I hate feeling like I’m missing something. I hate feeling like people can’t just call me or text me. Social media sometimes feels like people, human interaction, is becoming more and more of an option–or unnecessary.

 

3. The inundation of other people’s crazy. Social media is not a journal. SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT A JOURNAL. Not all 5, 50, 500 or 5000 of your friends need to know you and bae broke up again. That your kids are getting on your nerves. Or the struggle plates. No! No one really cares! Tell Jesus get a nap an do better!

 

4. Subliminal messages. As a writer, this is ridiculous. I am guilty of this from time to time. But now? I block and delete. My patience and time are valuable. If you need to get at me, call me. Don’t veil your comments. That just makes me think you’re scary, and still wouldn’t confront me if you had to–or need to. Do Jesus.

 

5. Ex-partners following you. I have gone out of my way to make sure my exes couldn’t follow me. I have searched names, nicknames and done a preventative block because I don’t want the problems. I don’t need the problems. It’s bad enough some exes remember my phone number! But you wanna invade my personal space too? No, no ma’am. Preventative blocks are an vaccination from social media. I swear by them!

 

Social media is wonderful. Just make sure you make time for real life too.

 

[image from Aflac.com]