Tag: love and sex

Shower Water

Amaya tossed and turned in her king sized bed. Rolling away from the snores of her husband, she placing her hands on her closed eyes. She bit her lip, eyes welling up, cheeks then damp. Sitting on the side of her bed, her breathing in time with Khamron’s snoring. She took off her braid bonnet, shaking sleep, before going to the bathroom. The grandfather clock downstairs chimed, as she tapped the phone screen. “1:07.” She hissed.

Her toes gripped the carpet, and she wiped her face, exhaling. “Just shower and go back to bed.” She whispered. “Hot water and soap, Mama say fix everything.” She walked to the bathroom feet from her cherry oak footboard.

The dim light made her skin golden as she turned on the shower water. The patter of the water on the shower floor made her bite her bottom lip. Hand in the stream told her that the water needed a while more to warm.

Amaya turned to the sink, breathing softly, forcing tears into hiding. “Donovan.” She whispered. She box braids swung as she cupped her face, the blue in her braids matching her mood.


The water was needed, hiding tears. As she dried off, her mind drifted.

Her mind took her to his room, his mouth on her thighs ripping the yellow lace panties she wore against the front door.
His tongue tensing and opening her body as she rode his face.

Amaya remembered his hands on her hips, in her hair. “Tell me you love me, Sugar? Tell me!” His breath hot on her ear as he stretched her body to conform not him again, just like Homecoming Night twenty years before.

Amaya dried her legs as Khamron snored, her eyes to the clean laundry yet to be put away. Grinning at the orange shirt straining against its black plastic cage.
Her eyes watered again, wrapping the towel around her, made her way to the clean laundry.

The towel fell as she began digging for the orange shirt, her curvy frame still luminous, with light over her hips. Seizing her treasure, she put it on.

It was tight now, her bust not the same as it was in high school. She always slept better and Donovan’s practice
shirts anyway.

With her newfound peace, she hoped sleep would find her, letting her mind see him again when she slept.

———

He braced against the shower wall as the remaining water trickled over his shoulders and back. His hand smoothing his chesnut face . Closing his eyes, he willed her away. “Amaya.” Whispering her name conjured her there pinned between him and white tile wall. His hands gripping white tile of the shower wall. Heat coming through his skin again as the movie of their afternoon and last week flooded his mind.

The slapping of her back against the wall. Her grinding into his hands and hips, feeling her open, stretch and accommodate.

Her coffin shaped nails lightly scratching the backs of his ears…she remembered.

How she squeezed him, as he pushed her gently upright, squeezing her nipples and the darkness of her areolas.

Then Amaya screamed his name. And over again. Head back and full voice.
Donovan flipped her on her back, her legs on his shoulders. His face in her neck. As she had all through high school and college.

Her body was home. Her pleading for more of him music.

He bit his lip, the heat coming through his back.

The beeping of his phone ripping him from
recent memory.

White towel secured around his waist his Face ID unlocked it.

Sugar [1:10 AM]
Thank you for the shirt.

Response [1:11 AM]
I ripped the other.

He held the phone, breathing and waiting. He moved from Messages to his Delta app to check his flight information. He tossed the phone on the bed, turning to get his suitcase and wheel it to the front door.

Beeping again.

In short strides, reached the unmade bed.

Sugar [1:17 AM]
You ain’t changed at all! What am I going to do with you

Donovan grinned, heard her voice in his ears, reminding of the taste of Amaya’s neck.

His response [1:18 AM]
A woman with a mouth like yours to keep it quiet you have to keep it busy.

He attached his iPhone to the charger. Grinning, he took off the towel, preferring to sleep naked to remember her body again. He would text her in the morning maybe. He had a flight to catch.

Bonus Piece: Fast Girl Epilogue (NSFW)

While this piece was not included in this printed work, it was too good not to share. -JBH

When I asked you

to be my first,

I meant that

first—

last

The everything

first time

my legs would shake

on your shoulders.

The first time

I will ever feel a

spread in my hips

to the point every chakra

would realign to

ruin me for

any other man

that would dare

look at me

knowing that I was yours

deeper than senses

longer than love

quicker than Lightning flashes –

that kind of belonging

you can’t buy…

that kind of power—

you can’t mimic

when I asked you

into my body

to be the first

to explore

to awaken

to erupt everything in me

that was meant for you

I meant that.

I meant that,

like God is real

admitting all I held

for you—

would belong to you,

which means there

was a lock on the inside

of me with

your name on it—

If you thought my

mouth was slick,

You’ll find out

What else already is

A lock that

no one could find

but you—

Just like they put

names on hollow point

bullets so that the soul

will be captured,

I wanted to be

captured—

to be held

to be found

by you and none but you.

Knowing the caliber of love

and love making,

Relentless exploration

that the kids call fucking

you would give to me

—and only me —

because I asked

it of you.

when I asked you

to be my first

I meant for you

to be the last

because how often

do you get to

touch the sun

and live to tell about it?

-JBHarris, October 2022

New Book: Sweethearts & Love Notes

To grab this book on Amazon or Kindle, click here.

I have written fast before, but this? This book poured out of me.

Through the lack of social media, and the uncanny nature of my own life, I have found my childhood sweetheart. For respect, I won’t give his name here, but he knows this book exists.

If you know you know.

I have not seen him in 21 years, and yet he remembers the last thing I wore, and I saw him before he saw me.

I all but ran to him. Hugged him. And the world fell away. No, that is not an exaggeration.

For those feelings, for the power of that connection, I wrote! In being transparent, this was the man I thought I would marry.

There are attributes of this connection I have looked for in other relationships–to this day (I mean #ForeverBae plays Poker AND Chess!)!

This chap book is a reminder to me that…maybe I am still a love poet after all. As and maybe (just maybe) this is a reminder to younger me that I wasn’t crazy–and neither was he.

The butterflies were real and still are.

Favorite pieces:

Love Note #3

Hymnals

When Beale Street Talks

30 DAYS OF JAYE: Say The Quiet Out Loud

I want nights

That are quiet,

And still

Loud as thunder,

I want storms in

Oceans of sheets

And limbs pulling

Me further from

What I know into

All I want.

I want the quiet parts

Said out loud

And kisses made only

For me,

And all my inner light

Being bother magic

And woman lit

By you.

I want the now

and the present presence

Of what it means to be

Lost and still be found.

From sky above

And Earth beneath

I want to dream

Of setting future

Suns…

Again.

-JBHarris

A Year Ago This Month: Reflections From A Pandemic

This picture is one of the few taken before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic in the US in early 2020 (this was taken in October 2019). What an odd moratorium–but here we are.

One year ago this week, I was married. I was a mom. I was a healthcare worker in-between jobs, and I was a recent college graduate! I had planned on leaving healthcare and transitioning into education. I planned on pursuing my Masters in English (a possible MFA), and was even recommended by one of my mentors, Dr. Kimberly Welch, to pursue the Doctoral program.

I mean, Dr. Jennifer Harris, sounds formidable, doesn’t it?

And then COVID-19 abducted that future. The fight that would end my marriage completely was brewing, I felt it. There was no where to go, I hated being home, and ‘sheltering in place’ with someone that you have no desire to be with is a different type of Hell. While sheltering in place, I had to confirm my plan to leave the husband who claimed to love me, but had hurt me so badly that I would have rather slept outside than in his bed! I learned just what activities he was up to! All while trying to keep peace for the sake of my children.

What kicked it off? Me doing exactly what I’m doing right now: writing. I was at my computer, and he asked me why I wasn’t talking to him. I told him I wasn’t bothering him, and I was minding my business. Why did I say that?

And off it went. We argued. We screamed. And he asked me if I even wanted to be his wife anymore.

I, leaning against the wall, completely bereft said, “No.”

And the month of April was an exercise patience, being stealth, and having to do what you have to do with the world burning around you! I found a new job. I started a new job, full-time, with benefits. I found an apartment, looked at it and my mother got my deposit for it. I lied to the man that is now my ex constantly so he would leave me alone.

I still cooked. I still was gracious! I washed clothes and mopped floors. I still was a mom. I answered questions of children, I muddled my way through the beginnings of this quagmire of virtual learning. I mean, I even remember making Easter dinner last year, and all his favorites.

Kill ’em with kindness, right? WWJD, right?

And Saturday, April 25, 2020? He packed his things, and the last thing he asked me, “Can I have my keys?” And I haven’t seen him since. And I am relieved! Relieved! I was able to breathe for the first time in two years! In that relief, I had to mourn what was.

There would be no more 2-parent household. There would be no more grad school, no TA-ing for my mentor. My plans for my MFA were permanently on hold. I couldn’t leave healthcare–I needed the money to sustain myself and kids! I was back to being a single parent, after almost 7 years. I was no longer going to be a married woman. I had to do the dirty work of putting my life back together…while falling apart. Whatever ancestral faith imparted to me, and I forged, I tapped into. I tapped into. The days immediately following his leaving, I barely remember! I had a house to pack. I had to get to work! I had to get back from work!

After being employed for a month, I even remember the day–May 15, 2020–I called off work. A huge issue in health care anyway! I literally felt my body and mind say, “I cannot go on. I cannot do anymore! Whatever you are demanding me to do, I cannot do!” I called my best friend, Towanna, and told her what happened. She told me to take care of myself–and I did. I remember calling the Nursing Office, and robotically telling them–with proper 2-hour notice!–that I could not make it in. “I have an emergency with my children.” That was all I could muster. I thanked the woman that answered the phone, and I resumed laying down in the dark room with half of my possessions packed up in various rooms. I remember I laid in bed, tears breaking free from the prison of my own strength. I cried. Not loud, but I cried. I have been tired. I have even been exhausted! I have never been the level of tired where my entire being rebelled and shut down.

My children were with my mother and sister, so I could get back and forth to work (this was a lot of ride-sharing, and paying people gas money). A lot of groceries being delivered, and dealing with coming home to my lights being off (because he turned them off! They were in his name!), and him telling the landlord that we (myself and children) were gone! Imagine their surprise when I appeared out of the house after hearing noise in the backyard!

I had to pack a house, raise kids, and move my entire life to get back to where I had to get to. I decided that me was more important than the we! I had to mourn what was dead, and even what I helped to kill! With all that swirled around me, I didn’t die. I didn’t succumb! I didn’t quit! God truly kept me–He truly did!

From those early days of confusion, trying to get masks, and washing clothes every time I went outside–to being an a 2-bedroom apartment that catches the morning and evening light, where I see trees every morning. A pandemic didn’t kill me. A bad relationship couldn’t stop me. An abusive ex couldn’t, didn’t silence me. What this pandemic has taught me is I am stronger that what I thought, and had to become more resourceful that I ever thought.

Now, in this new ‘normal’, I pay my own rent. I am still employed, being an great mom–who keeps masks in her car. I am 2 months away from 40, and looking to buy a house. Is this a happily ever after? No. This is the next chapter being written. For that, I am grateful.

In The Matter Of Derrick Jaxn

These are my first and final thoughts on this Jaxn Dilemma. Follow your girl on TikTok (@whatjayesaid).

Thank you to Rebecca Quarles for this meme. The internet is undefeated!

I stumbled on Derrick Jaxn in the rabbit hole that is YouTube. I like how personable he was, and the fact that I thought he was handsome surely helped. I liked his approach to relationships, his advice made sense, and I even used it from time to time! I mean, I was solidly, #TeamJaxn. I followed him on social media (Twitter, YouTube) and even used his advice from time to time! I mean, I even shared his advice to some people (i.e. women) I knew!

Then, I started looking a little closer.

There was a live that I saw with him on it (it might have been on YouTube), at least two to three years ago, and he mentioned a baby. A new baby. When I heard that, I turned the live off. I had this question: “If you have all this wit, wisdom and knowledge, how do you have a Baby Mama and not a wife, sir?!” It was from there, that I quit listening to him. I want all of us as Black folk to win, and I left all that where it is.

And from there? Life is on fire this week! On fire! Completely!

Turns out Mr. Jaxn has been cheating on this woman, his wife, who is the mother of his daughter–the Baby Mama!–for a minute! Like?! What part of the game is this? According to the Facebook Live event they did as a couple earlier this week (which his wife, Da’Naia, said was her idea!) left me staring! And I mean, staring!

Derrick Jaxn: Relationship guru confess to cheating on im wife - BBC News  Pidgin
Chile, there is no way I would have come on camera about this. No God.

With the interest of full transparency, I have been the woman that has been cheated on. I have also been the wife that cheated. I own both of those identities! I can tell you that there is no greater pain than realizing the person you are building your life with has cheated on you–emotionally or physically. Also, there is nothing like believing the person that you re building your life with cannot be what you need–neither can they meet (or see) those needs you have expressed!

It hurts either way.

Yet, the thing that I find more glaring comes from this deep sense of a boundary being violated! According to his wife, DaNaia, said she had dealt with this a year before! A year! She went on to say that she left him–took the baby and bounced! Da’Naia said she told her husband, Social Media Sociologist and Relationship Guru, Derrick Jaxn that she wouldn’t come back to him until he decided what it was he wanted! Now, I can commend this! No one needs to be in any situation where they are hurt, exploited or abused. No one! Derrick and Da’Naia have said they have worked through these issues of cheating–which only came to light after one of the women that Derrick was involved with came forward. Why she chose to do this? Who can say.

But there was something in me that was so angry watching this Facebook Live event. Da’Naia is a woman that has leaned on her faith to get through this–and I commend her. I have done the same thing in times of extreme distress! But, as a woman that has been through more than a few mishaps, and situationships–I know hurt when I see it! With her dealing with this situation with her husband, the father of her child before, I cannot imagine what it took for her to sit on camera to be aired out again!

It could not be me! I cannot be me! I would have put out a statement and have that be it. With all the money and clout that her husband has, you couldn’t find someone to write a statement and just keep it moving? It is so hard for me to believe that she volunteered to do this Live, or that it was her idea! Especially, after this was posted on her own Instagram:

I’ll spare you the rest of the sorted details (and I apologize for the quality screenshot), but this here? This is what made me think that there is more here than either of them are saying! In this post, Da’Naia, says that she studied the flicks that Derrick made of these women on his phone! She studied the women’s bodies, down to the ‘secretions’! I’m sorry, what?! Sis–no! This is not God’s best for you! No! Even to find out that they have been on and off for twelve years before they got married?! Sis! What is this about!

Luvvie Ajayi Jones said that this is the problem with the church–it weaponizes the gospel! This is horrendous! As a woman of faith, I am appalled, confused and sad. The same gospel that freed me and strengthened me–looks to be the same gospel being used to imprison her! Women are always expected to stay by husbands whom have done horrible things! Yet, you don’t see many men that do the same for their wives as publicly! I understand that love covers a multitude of sins–I get that, and am grateful for it. However, when is enough enough? When do we make the differentiation between gospel and gaslighting?

Derrick cheated on his wife, Da’Naia.

Da’Naia forgave her husband, Derrick, that cheated on her.

Who are we to judge that? What I will say is, people will only do what they are allowed to do. I cannot imagine what it is to be aired out twice like this! In front of the world! Again! Derrick and Da’Naia also have books they are selling–about relationships as well. How convenient? I cannot imagine what she is going through, because this does not seem to be over soon. Even now there are still women coming forward–with screenshots! Chile…how long Da’Naia? How long? God has more for you than to be this embarrassed…on a regular basis.

If they can really come back from infidelity (not everyone can!), I wish them God’s best. If they cannot, if it becomes too much, then she knows what she needs to do next. God indeed be her strength.

Deep, Still Waters

There’s magic in the water

I’ll make you hunger and thirst for righteousness you have never sampled

for a goddess is who is brown as earth

and loud as thunder once you master crescendos who hides orchestras inside of her belly as you begin to be key in her lock

I will show you the world

with your eyes closed

and just how marvelous your world

can be once you find the right tempo

I can give you

what you’ve only dreamed of…

what you thought you could never have…

I can give you all you see…

I am night

I am power,

I am rhythm and blues,

I am hives of honey,

With all lips made from sugar.

There is no need

To give the unworthy

Or lazy such access to

Attention for my blessings…

Thick and rich as sunsets and moonlight.

No need to give samples

When ownership is what

Is called for…

because such power cannot be left unchecked

I am desire

I am more, and

I am comfort

I am storm.

I am all the ocean it washes away the cares of the day and yet I have chosen you…

-JBHarris, 1.3.3021