I don’t try to live my life with fears and regrets. I think as you age, what you fear either becomes a reality or a hinderance. But, I think, now the fears that I have are more concrete and based around the responsibility of being a mother.

1.) Dying before my ex-husband. I want to live longer than him because I don’t want to leave my children here with this man that doesn’t seem to care for them. I cannot leave them here with a man that cannot help them.

2.) Not healing. There are things I am doing for my mental health to be the best mother I can be, and be the grandmother that I never had.

3.) Getting divorced again. I am scared of having to go through this again. It is draining to build a life with someone only to have them not want that life with you anymore.

4.) Dying ‘full’. I am afraid that all that I want to do, I won’t get to do. This is why I write in the fury that I do sometimes. I have to get it out.

5.) Being a widow. I have found someone that I want all my days with. All of them! And he is 9 years older than me. With that age difference, he is okay dying before me. I’m really not okay with that. I love him, and I know that day is a far off…but it’s closer than what I think. It’s like having the Scythe of the Reaper in a closet that I can’t close! I saw my mother handle losing my father. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do that.